liberation

2008-08-28T00:02:00.002+08:00

The blog is back!

I decided that I will not blog here, but there's no point hiding this blog away behind a rather stupid blank page, therefore it has been reinstated in it's full glory and shall remain so...for as long as I deem fit, haha.

Meanwhile I am considering moving to another location, not egocentricfreak at LJ though. Somewhere more obscure, which I will most probably only disclose to a few people.

Anyway, tata! Lol.

心酸/ 心碎

2008-08-13T00:07:00.002+08:00

I shall not elaborate in detail about math and chinese. Math wasn't too good for me but chinese was a hell lot better, so hopefully the chinese paper will pull up my grades. Oh yes, and chinese PT is coming up. And hell I have not settled my cooking thing which is causing me a hell lot of trouble.

I slept today away and spent the entire night runescaping and msn-ing, WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING HSSRP.

I SHOULD BE HUNG FROM A TREE MAN.

---

TO-DO LIST
1) HSSRP FINAL DRAFT
2) Mug for SS
3) Settle cooking thing (shit -.-)
4) Do math
5) Piano theory

---

早知今日
何必当初？

这件事的发生，早就在我的预料当中。
今天的后果，我愿意负担。

有什么大不了的，我有什么没见过。
这短短几年里，我闯了无数的祸，
还能够完整地走出来。
虽然心灵上留下了疤痕，但时间会冲淡一切，
我始终会忘记。

我每天都过得很辛苦。
笑得很吃力，
想把心打开，毫无禁忌地对待别人
但是我还是不能。

还是带着那讨厌的面具
逃避事实。

我知道，这不是什么办法。
但我的心
是空的

我不懂得爱，
不知道开心到底是什么滋味。
偶然觉得心在隐隐作痛
很酸，很痛苦。

但我还是开朗地笑着。

我

就是你们身旁那多余的人。
在不在
也无所谓。

不想多逗留，
但是我在这儿绕了一大圈，
终于回来了。

是时候忘记了吧。

时间
会冲淡一切。

2008-08-11T02:22:00.001+08:00

I realised I like to post only late at night when everyone's sleeping, 5< people are on MSN, but I'm wide awake. -.-

---

I've been talking to a few people recently, and I wonder whether I've actually been a constructive sort of comfort. I say what I feel is logically sound but seems rather distant and unfeeling.
Is it a good thing?

---

I am super dead for math and chinese. I also have to sort out the thing about my cooking class which is constantly plaguing me. Arghhhh this life.
Not to mention that HSSRP is really in a VERY bad shape. -.-

I don't intend to fail RS. I shall pull up my socks and not slack.

---

我们的开始是很长的电影
放映了三年我票都还留着
冰上的芭蕾脑海中还在旋转
望着你慢慢忘记你

朦胧的时间我们溜了多远
冰刀画的圈圈起了谁改变
如果在重来会不会稍嫌狼狈
爱是不是不开口才珍贵

再给我两分钟让我把记忆结成冰
别融化了眼泪你妆都花了
要我怎么记得
记得你让我忘了吧
记得你将我忘了吧
你说你会哭不是因为在乎

2008-08-10T01:29:00.003+08:00

When I was talking to wenyun I realised that I can understand a lot of people but I can't understand myself.

---

Since change is the only constant, we're going to live with change, and survive with it.
What becomes of us is not important,
it's what we do that's important.

We have to carry on, come what may.

---

小火球，祝你好运！
虽然没有机会与你“并肩作战”，我还是很支持你的。

火球必胜！

2008-08-09T17:12:00.002+08:00

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

2008-08-08T20:08:00.002+08:00

I wish upon this day,

that one day I'll see you again.

2008-08-08T19:26:00.002+08:00

On a lighter note,

JIE ROCKS!

Spent a lot of time walking around, shopping (SO CHIO (: ), etc. And we attempted to mug. Ahem. (:

Jie always makes me feel better!

---

But when I'm alone I feel that bitterness breaking me up from the inside.

2008-08-08T17:23:00.002+08:00

Now there is no uncertainty.
Fate has told me where I stand.

---

I came home with a lot of things to blog about, but when I opened this page, I realised I had nothing to say. -.-

Ok, in short, elections wasn't that disappointing with the exception of some roles. I felt some people deserved the posts more than others did, and I shall not mention names. But it's amazing how some idiots can rubbish their way through and still get all the gold, glitter and glamour.
Oh well, life.

Dengqing, I'm looking forward to another year with you as a leader and a friend. Today you proved to me that...yes, you're the girl for the job, and now I have nothing but respect for you. (: There is much room for improvement in tanbo...but I trust that you can do it.
Yunan: as a junior, you have a long way to go. I hope you will live up to the expectations of whoever chose you. And, don't let us down. You have a legacy to fulfill.

“你做你的天使，我做我的恶魔。”
From now on...expect no less than Hitler treatment. I'm going to be 10x harsher on myself and you people. Pipa/tanbo cannot be mediocre/the worst section in CO, it's UNACCEPTABLE, as far as I'm concerned.

So, be prepared for harsh words. I won't be diplomatic from now on.
Hur, I've never been.

You people better take my criticism seriously. I don't criticise for no reason. I suan you for your own good, and if you haven't realised my style of doing things for so long, then good luck to you.

I'm not going to cry anymore in front of you people.
Good seniors don't cry.

And I don't expect you to cry in front of me.
You people have to be different.

There are different types of seniors. I think I shall categorise my pipa batch into the Angel, the Madwoman and the Psycho.
Guess who I am. Lol.

I'm alright with being hated. After all... I have nothing to lose anymore.
Hate me, I don't mind. As long as you people wake up your idea and improve...I will be satisfied.

I will not allow mediocrity from myself as well. From now on...every note must be in order, and I will be better. I promise I will be better. Lead by example.
I'm sick of falling face down in the mud.

I am damn 失败, haha. But that's beside the point.
So I won't let my juniors walk down my path.

---

I want to make some difference in RGCO/tanboyue: I won't let myself leave without making an impact. A POSITIVE impact.
I have chosen my path,
and I'm going to stick with it till the end.

Today changed me, just as much as 8 August did a few years ago.

I will never, ever be the same again.

i do not wake.

2008-08-07T20:53:00.002+08:00

For once, I feel like I've been left behind.

---

Today was CO elections, which left me with a sick, bitter feeling in my heart.

We've all grown, haven't we? And from tomorrow onwards, heck, CO/tanbo is going to be in the hands of the sec3s.
Us la. -.-

I had a really good talk with Dq on the bus today. Yunan couldn't understand what we were talking about, which was best, because I was seriously bitching around and telling Dq my heartfelt thoughts about tanbo.

I think I shall take back my statement about "whoever the new tanbo SL is, I will support her", because it's not true. If it happens to be someone I have no respect for...then it will be a totally different thing. But I highly doubt something like that will happen. Crossing my fingers and toes.

---

Am I really a harsh, unfeeling senior?

I guess I am. Haha, I bet all my batchmates think I should just shut my fcking mouth and let them live. -.- Cos I'm like so extra and have always been that way. Just that I never really realised it was the truth until it screamed at me in my face.
I never realised that I never actually belonged.

I guess my juniors secretly hate me for being such an asshole and showing them my black face all the time. I bet tingwei hates me for criticising her. Everything I say is so hurtful right. I never say anything nice to you. Sorry la, that's just my way of doing things. -.- Maybe cos I have the 阴影 of being suanned when I make mistakes. -.-

Lol, whatever.

---

I must be happy because 王语嫣 tells me that I have to be happy tomorrow. SMART SENIOR shall not be emo already. Emo also no use haha it's not going to change anything huh.
Yeah, right.
This is...for the world. To show the world that

yes, I'm okay.

Really?

Am meeting up with jie after CO results to "mug". -.- I hope we can at least get some stuff done haha. But I highly doubt so seeing that we emo/crap around every time we meet up.

I am currently staring at my shirt tomorrow and thinking about how ridiculous I'm going to look.
Hamburger monsters, haha.

---

Tomorrow is an important day, for you and me.

I don't think you remember,
but that doesn't matter.

I remember.

I remember
you.

---

I'm getting back my 'writing prowess', cough. I guess I don't have to be ashamed about being an ex CAP-er now.

I shall post them up here. Soon.

---

Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless.

Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless.

Little white flowers
Will never awaken you.
Not where the black coach of
Sorrow has taken you.

Angels have no thoughts
Of ever returning you.
Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy Sunday.

Gloomy is sunday,
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I
Have decided to end it all

Soon there'll be candles
And prayers that are said
I know

But let them not weep
Let them know that
I'm glad to go.

Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressing you.

With the last breath of my soul
I'll be blessing you.
Gloomy sunday.

Dreaming, I was only dreaming.
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope
That my dream never haunted you.

My heart is telling you,
How much I wanted you.

Gloomy sunday

2008-08-06T17:36:00.003+08:00

I ask myself,
why I enjoy humiliating myself in public.
Crying in the canteen...
Goddamnit, where's my pride?!

Crushed.
In the goddamned dustbin.

I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past few days.
Not only 'cos of the PTs and mugging for math/chinese. I guess it's because of the other things on my mind.
I don't feel like eating anything.
I feel damn fat now. I need to be half my size before I can actually be accepted by the world as a normal human being.

I have too many secrets. Secrets that other people wouldn't be interested in knowing.

What makes you think they're stronger than me, just because they don't cry?

I bet you think I'm weak, a coward, a damn fool for losing control of my emotions.
Yeah, I am.
Nothing more than a stupid bitch who can't stop crying over nothing.
When I said, anything.
It was just
pure exasperation.
It's not that I was crying over nothing,
or crying over pointless stuff.
Of course,
why would you understand?
I never told the both of you anything,
so I'm sorry.

Sick of people telling me I can't make it, won't make it...
Directly or indirectly.
It just reminds me of the fact that I've never been able to change anything.
I just watched as the things dearest to me slipped away
and I just stood there.
Just like the day you walked away,
All I could do was stand at the gate and cry.

Think of solutions to problems? Solve my problems?
That's one thing I've never been able to do.
Solving problems isn't for me.
All that I know is creating problems for others to pick up after me.
Fucking failure, that's what I am.
A useless, fucking, failure.
Stop telling me I'm only a failure if I think I am,
Stop telling me I can solve my problems.
If there was a way out, I would have taken it a long time ago.
Damn it.

If there are rainbows,
I hope you've found them.

2008-08-06T01:50:00.003+08:00

Teh Tien Li Cheryl ENJOYS DARES.

Dengqing said I won't do it, so, HAH, here I am, doing a strange quiz. (:

1. The person who passed you this quiz is…
Deng Qing
2. Your relationship with her is...
Batchmates, friends.
3. Your 5 impressions of her:
serious, too nice, very serious about pipa, very mugger, strange :&
4. The most memorable thing he has done for you...
actually quite a lot, related to pipa. i can't really remember though 0o
5. The most memorable words She has said to you...
BU YAO GAN PAI!
6. If she becomes your lover, you will...
Sorry she's not hot enough.
7. If she becomes your lover, things she should improve on...
stop being too nice. and er become hotter. LOL ok this is so wrong.
8. If she becomes your enemy, you will...
make life more difficult for her than i'm doing now HAHA.
9. If he becomes your enemy, the reason will be...
cos she axed me from SYF and told me I sucked.
10. The most desired thing you want to do for her now is...
Go to VCH and perform RGCO concert with me all over again
11. Your overall impression of him (them, you mean) is...
huh wtf?
12. How you think people around you will feel about you?
Too emo, either that or they hate me or don't realise I exist.
13. The characteristics you love about yourself are...
I'm sorry I despise myself.
14. On the contrary, the characteristics you hate about yourself are...
Aha, read my blog -.-
15. The most ideal person you want to be is...
I want to be whatever you are.
16. For people that care and like you, say something to them...
er. hi?
17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wish to know how they feel about you.
-.- Actually if not for the second quiz i wouldn't even fill this in.

1 yixin
2 nicole ong yuyan (WHO SHOULD START A BLOG. LIKE NOW.)
3 the tanwenyun
4 sarah
5 kathleen
6 kelly
7 tingwei
8 wongeeiyn
9 qianwen (WHO SHOULD START BLOGGING AGAIN (: good luck for tests jie.)
10 amanda tai?

18.Who is no.6 having a relationship with at the moment?
I wouldn't know ><
19. Is no.9 a male or female?
100% female -.-
20. If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
nah. amanda's as straight as chopsticks.
21. How about no.8 and 5?
wtf. whatever.
22. What is no.2 studying?
小精灵 is probably asleep now.
23. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
today, when i was looking like a 游魂
24. What kind of music band does no.8 like?
Her music taste changes so often i can't be bothered to keep up anymore.
25. Does no.1 has any siblings?
no.
26. Will you woo no.3?
AHAHAHHA. WHY NOT HAHAH.
27. How about no.7?
No. NO.
28. Is no.4 single?
Must be.
29. What is the hobby of no.4?
I think playing harp, piano, liuqin, etc.
31. Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
ok la. doubt ouyang remembers who she is though.
32. Where is no.2 studying at?
RGS 102
33. Say something casually about no.1.
yixin is one of my best friends who have gotten closer to understanding me than a lot of other people have.
34. Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?
ONE BIG NO.
35. Where does no.9 live at?
RIB (ahem)
36. What colour does no.4 like?
I don't know, sorry.. O.O
37. Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
No, but they know each other.
38. Does no.7 like no.2?
Yeah they're senior-junior. I think no.2 likes no.7 too.
39. How do you get to know no.2?
RGCO pipa, my PRO JUNIOR (: (smart senior says JIAYOU ahha.)
40. Does no.1 have any pets?
No. Maybe plants. LOL.
41. Is no.7 the sexiest girl in the world?
No. -.-
42. Do you think its possible if no.4 and no.5 date each other?
ERRRR.
43. Say something more about no.6...
REALLY GREAT BATCHMATE (:
44. What is your relationship with no.9...
My one and only jiejie (: [oops, actually ex senior-junior but now she's like, old, haha.]
45. List all the schools that no.1 to no.10 are in and originally from.
Chongfu (isit how u spell) primary, Henry Park primary. Both in RG now.
46. What would you do if no.10 hates you?
Er that'd be quite sad.
47. Which of the following are in a relationship?
Don't think any are.
48. How did you first met no.3?
RGCO.
49. How would you react if no.3 and no.10 are together?
Together in the same class isit. No need to react luh they already are.
(K i'm so lame.)
50. Last question! What would you do if no.4 tells you she is pregnant ?
That's not gonna happen. Not now.

insensately

2008-08-05T18:35:00.002+08:00

This morning I had a very, very bad encounter with myself.

I shall just blog about it, for the amusement of the people who'd like to see how miserable I am. I might as well be, er, entertaining for once.

I think I've only been able to sleep for one hour a day, these past two days. Last night I went to sleep at around 3.30. So hmm.
(GAH and I should stop sleeping in english and SS -.- since I'm able to stay awake for the rest of the classes, there's no reason why I should sleep in these SPECIFIC classes...-.- )
Let's say I woke up in the morning, and my room was still dark (DUH cos the lights weren't on), but I could sense it, I could see the things around me very vaguely, but somehow I wasn't able to move my body of my own accord. It was like, this numb feeling. I wasn't even struggling. I was just tired, and, well, a little alarmed.
Then I felt my hand moving around. On it's own.
I don't know how long it was, maybe 10 seconds or less. But god it was damn freaky.

I swear I wasn't dreaming. Wenyun said something about "被鬼压" but I would prefer not to believe that. Not because I'm scared of the presence of ghosts, but I believe that EVEN if there are ghosts around me, there's no reason why they should be vengeful or affect my life.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the emotional stress. Maybe it's because of those memories.

So I was in a really bad mood throughout the day. All I could do was stare into space and do nothing (I'm sorry if I daoed you, cos maybe I didn't notice you...) throughout the first half of the day. -____-"

---

I felt like a sheet of transparency again.

You people walk past me like I don't exist.
I say hi once.
You ignore me.
I say hi a second time.
You finally turn around and stare at me like I came back from mars,
then walk on.

Hey, if you hate me, why don't you tell me?

---

Hell, why am I so bitter?

she isn't.

2008-08-04T17:18:00.002+08:00

Right now, at this very moment that my hands are typing this sentence, I know that you're going to dismiss this another of my overemotional rantings.

Right now, these thoughts are running through your mind:

"She's always like that. This is another boring post. It's either about some mundane thing she did today, or another post in chinese (by the way, her chinese sucks, can she just stop blogging in it and desecrating the sacred language of our ancestors) about some weird person that we don't know. Oh, wait, remind me, WHY am I reading this? I shall go do my homework instead of wasting my time on the useless piece of shit that I'm obliged to call my friend."

Don't tell me not to demean my self worth, when all of you think I'm worth nothing.
Don't tell me to believe in myself, when no one believes in me.
Dont tell me not to be harsh on others. I'm just carrying on the cycle: since you have nothing but criticism for me, this is what you get.
Don't tell me there are others worse off than me. If you don't know the full picture, stop telling me how others are in worse positions and surviving better than I am. Just shut up if you've got nothing constructive to say.
Don't ask me what my problem is. Continue ignoring me when I talk and there will really be a problem. It's not like I'm very thin. Or maybe people just like overlooking me.

This is not an outlet for overspilling emotions, I'm just stating what I think is the truth.
You see, I'm perfectly lucid and rather calm now.

---

Since I don't think anyone understands or cares about what I think, I'm considering just closing down this blog and my LJ, or just moving somewhere else and not letting anyone know where. Then I can scream and curse on my blog and no one would be the wiser.

I missed the bus in the morning. My mum was being ratty and sent me an sms which said "serves you right." I guess that's what you call, er, familial love. (:
A good way to start the day off.

Didn't sleep in the morning for a change. I realised I was more alert during assembly as compared to when I sleep. Smiled and laughed as usual. No one realises just what I'm thinking when I go all quiet, they just assume that I'm thinking about my project plans. Good, keep it that way.

When I cried, did you notice? When I smiled, did you see the effort it took for me to drag my facial muscles into position? When I laughed, did you sense the discomfort? When I went all high, and did strange things just to fill the emptiness, did you notice my purpose? When I held my silence, did you see the anger overboiling within, or the shame at my own actions.
The anger, at the world, for making me this way.
The angery, at myself, for letting the world make me this way.

Or the shame,
for I despise all that I am.

For every person that enters my life, they cut a part of me away, but never take it with them. I want to leave something behind in their lives: it doesn't have to be significant. Maybe it's just me, maybe I just want to be remembered, instead of being forgotten and disregarded all the time.

I think if I ponned school for two weeks, or didn't turn up for CO for a month, you people would have forgotten that you once had a batchmate called Teh Tien Li Cheryl from pipa.

Think about it,

admit it, I'm right.

I don't think anybody really understands me. The only one that understands me fully is...God. Even I don't understand myself sometimes.
Oh well.

---

If I die,
I doubt anyone will miss me.

My name would just be swept under the carpet,
another drop in the ocean of humanity.
A meaningless, worthless drop.

For I am invisible,
I am forgotten,
and no one cares about what they can't see.

No one cares about me.

losing the touch

2008-08-03T10:35:00.003+08:00

I shall just post my work up here. I haven't written anything since CAP, and my standard has really dropped, but well...

Anybody who reads this, I would actually quite appreciate it if you tagged and gave me some comments on the work. Good or bad, it doesn't really matter. (:

---

Losing the Touch

the clock read nine pm
i turned and Your eyes were sparkling
with light from the flickering screen

one seat away yet eons apart
love can You hear the splintering of my heart

i shifted around, fidgeted a little
stood up and walked around
laughed a little at the boys,
hugged the girls and told them
i’d miss them
and they asked me why
i never cried
my tears are reserved for You

then i sat down in the seat
removed the controls from Your hands

everything was silent

except for the whirring of the fan

they watched
as You stared silently into my tear-filled eyes

let’s go out, You whispered,
taking me by the arm
it hurt, your vice-like grip

and they watched Us
disappear into the night

playground.

You wandered around, hands-in-pockets
placed Yourself on the swing
and stared

waiting
for a question?
for a confession?
for an answer, perhaps.

nothing.

say something
You requested
but all i could give you was
the sweet silence of my surrender

sing a song
You requested
sing a last song for me

but all that greeted You

was the silence

except
for the mournful wail of the cats
and the tears of the moon

then You wiped away my tears
as You’d done so many times before
held me
for the first and last time
You held me.

the darkness swallowed up Your eyes

so this is goodbye
i croaked
my childish voice
cracking under pressure
i could not tell
did You smile?

You said
remember the silence

i remember Your touch.

Your breath still lingers on my skin
The warmth of Your hand on my shoulder
Your words in my ear

But your kiss

On her lips.
---

Till I see you again,
I’ll be loving you.

Love, me.

---

Anyway, apart from emo-ing I shall just do a short update on what I've been doing:

1) Much chionging has been taking place. I shall swear not to chiong all my PTs last-minute next year.
2) HSSRP is not going extremely well. I shall also remind myself not to bite off more than I can chew, because I just keep choking on my food, and will end up throwing everything out and collapsing on the floor like a lump of rodent food.
3) I spent friday in 308 "mugging" with the wenyun, yixin, koh, nina and YUMING (: As usual, CO "gatherings" always give me this sense of comfort, because CO is my little escape.
(Actually it's not right to say [CO] itself is my escape because it's not really true. I think it's some specific people, like DDT, who will forever be tienli's love (:)
But hmm I always feel very zibei cos wenyun, koh and company are like, extremely intelligent and pro and I feel like a slug next to them but ANYHOW it's still okay, I will survive.

I always do.
4) My internet crashed again. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing because now I will be FORCED to stay away from MSN so that will give me a good chance to do some MUGGING for a change. -___-" Oh and the reason why I'm blogging is because I'm sitting at burger king waiting for the library to open. -.-
5) Math and Chinese in week 8. I am already shuddering at the thought of failing the former again. It just freaks me out, okay.
I guess it will be alright, if Itry.
6) I think it's all forgotten: is it?
7) The pain keeps haunting me.
8) I am becoming quite friendly with nicole recently. I think it's a good thing eh.
9) I have lost my ability to play piano properly. I made a promise to myself that I would IMPROVE BY DECEMBER THIS YEAR and be able to play all the stupid fast parts and sightread faster -.-
(Right now my reading speed is about 3 seconds per note and 10 seconds per chord, which is BLOODY SLOW and REALLY TERRIBLE. I think it's cos I haven't touched the piano for too long.)
10) And, yes, I'm picking up writing again. (:

Writing in ENGLISH, since many people have suanned me saying my chinese isn't even good and ask me why I even write/speak in it, because I just sound plain weird. Fine I know I have a weird English tone/Cantonese accent to my chinese and I speak chinese like I speak English.

OKAY that makes no sense but argh if you get the gist then it's fine. I guess I should just stop blogging in it, then. Or even stop using Chinese as a speaking language, if I get suanned some more. Even though I profess that I like the language (the LANGUAGE, not the LESSON) and I feel that there are some things that the english that I have in my vocabulary(which I don't think is particularly LACKING) cannot express.
Or maybe it's because I just suck at both, haha.

Suan la. Write cannot ah.
(Hah, Singlish FTW.)

Okay I shall stop crapping and GET BACK TO THE DAMNED HISTORY PT which is honestly annoying me. -.-

2008-08-02T11:06:00.002+08:00

你躲在我心裏
讓我有心跳
忘了你我就活不了

時間的刀
在它把記憶切斷那一秒
卻沒有帶走
愛附贈的煩惱

愛已經不太重要重
要的只是我
忘了把你忘掉

時間很糟
就算那吻過的人已老
心在隱隱作痛
哪管你要或不要

燃燒
想像不到痛還在燃燒
以為火早已撲滅了
怎麼一見你心又被後悔灼傷了

燃燒
淚是愛情的火藥
請不要這樣看我
我知道我已逃不掉

我已逃不掉

---

我。。。还要要等到哪一天
才能埋葬烙在心中的记号呢？

2008-08-02T00:11:00.002+08:00

我竟然没有调头
最残忍那一刻
静静看你走
一点都不像我

原来人会变得温柔
是透澈的懂了
爱情是流动的
不由人的
何必激动着要理由

相信你只是怕伤害我不是骗我
很爱过谁会舍得
把我的梦摇醒了
宣布幸福不会来了

用心酸微笑去原谅了
也翻越了
有昨天还是好的
但明天是自己的开始懂了

快乐是选择

你就是我的唯一

2008-08-01T19:54:00.003+08:00

说过要忘记，
也时时刻刻地提醒自己，
要坚强
要为现在的你感到高兴。

但是偶然会想起
那些仿佛身在仙境日子。

你给我的快乐
是没有人能够代替的。

不再恨，
不代表没有记载在心中。

还记得你当时走的那种潇洒。
还欣赏着你在我生活中留下的彩虹。
有时还想起那晚上，你望着我的那种眼神。

那晚上，可说是我这生中最开心的一天。
你说，你喜欢那布满夜空的烟花，因为烟花很漂亮。
但在你眼中看到的烟花，比真正的烟花灿烂一百倍。
吵架的时候，我问你，我是不是太凶了。
你就会傻傻的笑，拍拍我的肩膀，说我生气的时候很可爱。
你喜欢我的眼睛，不让我把眼镜戴上。
那我就迷迷糊糊地走来走去，总是撞到别人，你只好拉着我走。
因为在所有人之中，我只看得到你。
又喜欢我唱歌的声音，
回到学校一路上都要听我唱那些不三不四的歌，
直到你昏昏欲睡。
爸爸来载我回家，你还站在黑暗中看着我。
我永远都不会忘记，
你靠着街灯，向我微笑的那一幕。

你转身就被黑暗的夜幕吞没了。

为什么现在长大了
对这些谎言一点儿都不心动？
但你所说的一字一句，
仍然铭刻在我的心上。

烟花只有一刹那的灿烂。

我不服

2008-07-31T20:48:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is PFT.

I feel extremely bad. For some reason, I developed this hacking dry cough that kind of weakens me drastically. -.- And it doesn't help that, well, I have to finish chinese PT, lit PT and history first draft by, er, today.
Goddamnit.

---

总觉得自己真的是太失败了。
算了。。。

命中注定。

juliet loves romeo

2008-07-30T17:44:00.002+08:00

My only love sprung from my only hate.

---

I must just profess how much I hate my life sometimes.
Die, fate, die.

I got booked today for taking out my phone and using it near the security guard post. It was quite whatever, seeing that I was around 5 steps to getting my ass out of the school. It was just another lucky day for me aha.
I can just be prepared to go for my 1 hour DC now, seeing I got booked twice before. (oh those two were my own problem. Cough.)
From now on I am seriously going to switch on my handphone only when I am SAFELY within the designated areas. -.- I don't intend to have a nice mark on my conduct report, no thank you -.-

Before the Great Booking Incident (which I am still MAJORLY pissed over, for reasons that I shall not display on this public domain or anywhere for that matter), my mood was already in the pits. P.E. in the morning really kind of sucked, because since I left FHPS I've conditioned my body to NOT being suited for any kind of sport whatsoever. -.- Oh well.
Ah, did I mention, I actually lost 3kg! Must have been the pre-RGCO concert diet. Now I just have to keep up with it (which seriously shouldnt be all that difficult because I'm kinda disgusted by the sight of oily food now -.-). I almost threw up my lunch just now (as with my dinner last night) but my mum was watching -____-"
I really need/want to be skinny. I can't STAND feeling so goddamned fat and inadequate. And all the perfect people around me just can't wait to emphasise that fact every now and then.

Have to finish chinese PT final draft by tonight and the history PT draft. Math has been okay recently but I think I have to work 10x harder if I intend to pass and pass well. Just started on Franky for Lovely Lit (which I am feeling rather bitter about for some reasons known to a small number of friends).
I think I should just go back and say I need help, just once.
No harm, huh? Seeing that I don't have much of a dignity anymore.

I kind of relish the fact that I no longer have to turn up for CO on thursdays and fridays and can go home to slack/sleep. At least, for now. After I get back to normal practices it will feel alright. It's just that this abnormality in my schedule is giving me time to sit back and actually think about what I'm doing and whether it's worth it or not. In the case of CO, I think I really quite like it (except that tanbo isn't exactly the best place to be sometimes). I know that tanbo people read my blog. I'm not pointing fingers at anybody, but in general, I don't think it's the happiest place in CO because sometimes we just turn the place into Total B*tchland. And certain individuals just get on my nerves. Really.
But I must say I'm rather impressed at how dengqing has handled certain stuff. No doubt we all have got a long way to go, but we're still SURVIVING, we survived concert, and now we're going to survive SYF. Hopefully, before we tear each other to pieces or strangle each other with yixians.
Meanwhile I think and I kind of know that people are getting nervous about who's going to be the next tanbo SL/ASL. But whoever it is, I've decided that she's going to have my full support all the way, even if we might disagree on any issues. (:
Oh well.

Kind of decided on my B piece for Grade8. Hm it doesn't seem to be an EXTREMELY difficult song (in comparison to A1) and it sounds pretty ok.
I'm kind of happy that I'm finally here, after learning piano for 11 years. I didn't fail any exam along the way but I think I wasted quite a lot of time. Hm.
[Oh btw I shall say something random: the 2nd page of Rondo Alla Turca aka the "crazy" right hand part is REALLY CUTE :B ]

I've been listening to quite a lot of classical piano lately in an attempt to destress. It really doesn't help that a lot of other stuff, academics and relationship-wise, is screwing up. However, what I've come to realise is that it's ultimately music that helps me to think. So that's why I've spent 11 years of my life (and counting) on it. (:

Ok I should really go do chinese PT.

---

A pair of star-crossed lovers
take their life.

2008-07-29T23:13:00.001+08:00

I think I'd like to either curl up and die,

or go to sleep and dream, and forget about the reality.

If this world was the Matrix,
then, crap, the Matrix is playing a big, BIG joke on me. -.-

falling apart

2008-07-29T17:44:00.002+08:00

I feel so disgusted with life, people and myself that I just feel like throwing up somewhere.

---

I realise I'm really tired of considering other people's feelings, when no one considers mine.

Why must I always be the one to compromise.
Have you people ever thought of what I'D feel if you did Action X.

Well, I highly doubt so.
What's the use of apologising?
It's like stabbing me then saying you didn't mean it, then stabbing me again.

I can envisage all of you leaving me on the floor to die.

---

I've had very disturbing dreams recently. As in, it's not the type of dreams when one is being chased around by this mysterious black object.
The most scary type of dream is the type that really seems so real.

I don't really wish to elaborate on what they were about on this public domain. It's just that they really, REALLY freaked me out.
I read somewhere that one's dreams reflect one's innermost thoughts. From the parts that I remember, well I guess it's right huh.

Oh, whatever.

---

I have to work harder, goddamnit.

Even if I can predict the ending,
I have to keep on going.

sunshine in my eyes

2008-07-28T18:16:00.004+08:00

The sky was falling when he held her hand and guided her through the concrete maze of HDB buildings. They walked in silence, but she smiled secretly, glancing at his serious eyes every now and then.

"You're home," He said finally, when they had reached the grass slope beneath her block of flats.

He smiled and waved before slinging his shoe bag over his shoulder, turning to cross the road to his home.
And she watched until he disappeared up the staircase, the small smile spreading over her youthful face.

Don't you know, you were everything to me.

Everyday spent with him was another day of bliss.

From the early morning assemblies, to little gestures like carrying her bag up to class.
Like taking the lift up, like washing paint palettes.
Like talking in the canteen, and laughing till their stomachs hurt.
Like playing basketball during recess, hiding from him when her knees were scraped.
Like sitting on swings, and swinging too high.
Like those small glances across the classroom, like exchanging that knowing smirk

Every day he would walk her home.

That was when she believed in love.

She was everything he wanted her to be.
Tying her long hair into a high ponytail,
Standing under the sun just so she could get tanned.
Working hard, because she knew he didn't like to see her fail.
Trying hard to hold back the tears, because he never liked seeing her cry.
Biting back the blood, holding back the emotion.
But it didn't matter, he was all she saw.

And she remembered how they ran down the road
how he'd pull her along
how the wind would dry her tears as she went tripping and sliding all over the concrete
spilling her heart, spilling her soul.
And she would run
keep running
just so she could catch up with him.
Just so he wouldn't leave her behind on another stormy day.

Until it broke, like shattered crystal.
That night, she cried herself to sleep for the first time
the basketball discarded, under her bed
the green lion pendant clenched tightly in her fist.

Don't you know I cry every night because of you.
I'm not joking.
No one knows, because no one really looks at me.
No one knows, because I never told anyone.
No one knows,

not even you.

---

From then on,
I only watched, I never played. And they asked why I didn't go out and sat in the shade.
I started tying that ponytail really low. Because they told me tying my hair lower was a sign that I wanted to look more serious.
A sign of mourning, mourning for the death of
us.
From then on, I told myself, I wouldn't run anymore, because however hard I tried, I couldn't keep up with you.
I avoided your gaze
I avoided you.

I hated you, every little shred of you from your expressions all the way to your character.
Yet I knew I would never be able to escape this shadow.

So it followed me.
As impatient as death,
consuming me, swallowing my humanity.

It hurt with every beat of my heart.

---

But it's gone now, isn't it?
Gone for good.

Now I can see the sun,
I can feel the rain on my face.
I can taste, I can breathe.
And I don't cry myself to sleep.

Because I have no reason to.

Good luck, best friend.
In everything you do.
I pray with sincerity
for the sun to shine every day of your life.
I've wished that your days would be dark for so long.

Now I just want you to carry on forgetting me
as I will.

I will forget.

You're happy,
and that's all that matters to me.

I'll consider believing in love again.

2008-07-28T00:33:00.002+08:00

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone.

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on.

You're here, theres nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on.
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.

---

Your memory is safe with me.

2008-07-27T19:45:00.002+08:00

Tien
Vietnamese name meaning angel, fairy, spirit

Cheryl
This English name first appeared in the 1920s and is probably an artificial creation, possibly a blend of Cherie "darling" and the gem name Beryl.

Oh, wow.
LOL.

2008-07-27T12:22:00.002+08:00

I just woke up, and usually I would ponder over all the things that were haunting me before going off to do whatever I have to do.

Now I can see the sun.

---

I just had this amazing idea for LitPT. Like, honestly, it just BOUNCED into my head and I was amazed at myself. But er apart from being an ego shit I would like to express the concern that I do NOT know how to write in ye olde english so I er am going to screw the old english part of the PT up.

No, and I'm not going to ask you for help. Not after what you've done to me.
It's not that I haven't forgiven.
It's just that fact that however saintly a person may be, it's impossible to erase everything away.

Another note: I happen to be one of the LESS saintly ones around.

---

I can finally focus!

I need to do work. Really.

---

My heart will go on and on.

2008-07-27T01:18:00.002+08:00

And I read it.

---

I was just telling wenyun
I don't think I can ever be happy.

But then I read it.

---

You're not with her, you probably never was with her.

I wanted to type it in.
I wanted to tell you
I'm okay,
Now that your shadow is gone,
I'm okay.
The shadow that was never there.

But I ended by just asking
do you remember me?

Stopping short of saying
I remember you every waking moment.

You look the same.
Most of all,
you look happy.

Thank you,
thank you for setting me free.

I think I can face you,
now I can look you in the eye.
I can tell you I've been doing just fine.

It's like waking up from a nightmare.

I didn't blog about your birthday.
I didn't want to face it,
I didn't want to let myself realise that I still remember everything about you.

But now I can say it,
now I can tell the world.
I'm okay.

I'm finally
okay.

---

Now to taste happiness
for the first time.

bleeding love

2008-07-26T19:15:00.002+08:00

If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream.

---

Woke up at 11.30 today. Realised I had some time before ELDS concert so just got myself out of the house and went shopping at far east for a grand total of 20mins (lol) before going to school. On the whole, quite entertaining. (:

Lots of work to do. And I just can't seem to get my act together.

I wish someone would slap me and jolt me out of my reverie.

---

Today was the first time in 2 years that I wore pants, other than during CO performances and P.E. lessons (which is shorts, not pants, hm.)
Does it mean anything?

Maybe I'm finally letting go, after so long.
Letting go of your shadow.
Forgiving + Forgetting.

People tell me to just
wipe it off

like chalk on a blackboard, like writings in the sand.
They reassure me
that time changes everything,
and it'll wash away the pain.

How long is this going to take?

---

The words are ringing in my ear.

---

I must not be you,
I cannot be you,
I will never be you.

I must not be with you,
I cannot be with you.
I will never be with you.

aren't we all?

2008-07-26T00:54:00.001+08:00

Ok since it's like, already Saturday, I shall blog about Friday in past tense...

Was feeling extremely bad in the morning as usual but the day got better gradually. Went virtually across the school to look for the tanwenyun but she was in the comp lab (which me and yixin kind of overlooked -__-) and the daji room later. Oh noes ><><
I realised I feel very at home in the company of CO friends. However many people still give me that distant and cold feeling. Oh well. I guess there are always imperfections.

Am going to watch the 2.30 pm drama performance, I hope it'll be entertaining :X

I have lots to accomplish this weekend. I also very intelligently did not bring my History PT rubrics home. -____-"

Oh well.

I'm really tired, but there's still history PT main outline to finish up so that I can actually DO it tomorrow.
+ Math, it plagues me, it pains me. ):

Why is everything happening at the same time?!

2008-07-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

I'm currently staring at my undone SS FA and wondering why I'm such a failure.

Why didn't I do all this earlier?
Why did I do the wrong things at the wrong time?

Is it ever going to be possible for me to do something right? Just NOT screw something up for a change?

Sick, sick and tired of all. this. crap.

extremely grah-ed

2008-07-24T18:01:00.000+08:00

Omg I AM PISSED.

What is WRONG with the tanbo yellow nametags?!

Gosh I don't really mean to be a mean bitch but they're the weirdest juniors I've EVER seen. Not only is the entire batch apathetic, it's not like they're advancing really fast and it's already July-August. By this time they should be learning more advanced stuff, but they're STILL STUCK ON TAN-TIAO.

Maybe it's because they really don't like CO, or they're just not talented, or because they simply couldn't care less.
I would like to believe they're not talented. Apathy and dislike is harder to get rid of than coping with lack of talent.
I'm not saying our batch (blue tags) is talented. It's just that after I read the FIRST response we've got from the sec1s regarding farewell, I feel extremely annoyed.
I doubt other sections get this kind of crap, honestly.
You people can tell me if you do, LOL.

Oh the frustration!

i'm free.

2008-07-24T16:02:00.000+08:00

Omg I am super amazed at how my modem came back to life rather magically (:

I think PFT is coming.
I kind of lost my diet. As in, I don't go and scrutinise the food I eat anymore. Gosh it must be the fact that CONCERT is OVER therefore there is NO NEED to lose ALOT of weight. (:

Oh wells. (: I feel quite stoned now actually. Gah whatever.

All the DEADlines coming. -__-" I am EXTREMELY dead for certain things. Really need to FOCUS.

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

---

How many days has it been?

I've lost count.
Or should I say
I never counted?

I don't think I've ever meant to remember you.
On 20th July,10pm,
that part of me died.
While another portion of my soul was awakened.

I was questioning,
why did the happiest thing and the unhappiest thing that I could think of happen on the same day?

But it wasn't that bad, was it?

I can finally look at the sun without squinting.
Because the darkness you cast on my life is gone.
I feel my facial muscles beginning to relax.
I'm no longer a slave to your emotional demands.
I feel my behaviour becoming more natural.
Maybe it's because your curse has been lifted.

And now I can really be sure,
it doesn't hurt anymore.

Maybe you've realised by now that my heart is dead to you.

The wound seems to be healing.

You might want to think that I dream about you all the time.
The truth is,
For the past four days you've never once crossed my mind.
Not even subconsciously.

---

When I believed in love,
I thought that our history would go down in its grand books.
But that night I realised I could just use an eraser and wipe it off.

So I did.

---

I won't blog about you anymore, there's no reason to.
I no longer have any emotional attachment to you: your contract has expired.

It was nice knowing you.

But it gives me comfort to see you so far away right now.

---

It's goodbye, I guess.

Good luck.

2008-07-23T19:31:00.000+08:00

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawling
Oh, I reach for you.

Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you

Come please I'm calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling.

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm falling
And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you

Come please I'm calling.

And all I need from you

Hurry I'm falling

I'm falling.

argh.

2008-07-23T18:32:00.000+08:00

I will post, er,because I'm feeling extremely screwed.

I really think my family life sucks. And it's not like I'M the one screwing it up this time. All the while I've been conforming to your ridiculous demands. You shouldn't INTERFERE with my social life, even if you're my mother. I'm still entitled to have my own friends, and whoever they are should not be yours to decide.

My internet crashed, by the way. A more accurate description would be that the modem is spoilt (I think my mum did it), so there's 0 internet connection from my home. The reason why I'm blogging is because I'm currently at the library using the godsent wireless haha.
Oh yes and she took my handphone as well so if you know what's good for you don't SMS me. Otherwise you'll have a quite-mad woman calling you up to ask why you sent me an sms containing blabla content which she deems unacceptable for young ladies our age. (:

Oh and I should totally get to work right. -.- Seeing I only have 2 hours left in the library. (Goddamnit if you BROKE my modem and still give me a curfew I have nothing to say goshgosh.)

In short, I am annoyed. :D

-.-

---

And it's not like you're making it any better.

2008-07-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

I feel so cold.

I can't really focus.
2 hours left to mug for lit.

I can make it. Without. You.

I need to prove to myself that I can do it without you. Prove to myself that I don't need you to do well. Tell myself that I can do everything on my own.
I just want to thrust myself into mugging. The world can really go to hell except for a certain few people who remain an emotional comfort to me. Like an occasional painkiller.
I need to numb my soul. Everything seems so bad to me right now I just feel like curling up and dying (which I obviously can't do). So the only thing left to do is to press on.

Mugging SHOULD be the most important thing to me now (apart from certain relationships). I guess friendship can come later in life. Right now I need to mug. I need my 4.0s. I need to pass math. I need...brains.
And I need to go delete msn or appear offline permanently. -.- Because no one's going to bother whether I'm there or not/ talk to me/ mug with me etc.

I realised I'm okay with being transparent. It has it's pros and cons. But I like the benefits. So you people can continue treating me like an invisible object and continue ignoring me. (: It will help with cultivating the "I-heck-care-you-I-want-to-mug" attitude. Go ahead. Ha. Haha.

And this time when I say heck, I MEAN heck, aha.

I realise I'm abusing myself. I keep on making the existing cuts deeper by scratching the reddened, sensitive area. Peeling the scabs off.
I should stop revisting the unpleasant past.
I should stop trying to remember who I am.

untitled

2008-07-22T18:13:00.000+08:00

I felt it again today.

---

It was another one of those bus rides home. On the verge of tears, but just staring hard into The Taming of the Shrew and holding the floodgates closed with all my might. Convincing myself that it was embarassing. Telling myself that there was no reason to cry.

I promised myself, didn't I?
That I wouldn't cry ever again. Not over useless things.

I'm not about to break another of my promises to myself.

---

I guess I've been a rather strange person since I was young. And a rather revengeful one, at that.
In primary school, if someone stepped on my toes, I would either 1) Start throwing a tantrum 2) Plot quietly about just what the hell I was going to do to that person. And if it was option 2, trust me, I don't think that person had a good time.

One fine day I realised,
that it wasn't the person who suffered the most.
It was me.

I, who was bound by anger.
I, who felt obligated to get my own back.
I, who only knew hate.

So I told myself,
I would forgive.

Don't you know how hard it is to forget?

---

Tomorrow is Lit SA.
And all the PTs are coming up, HSSRP DEADline hanging over my neck like a freaking guillotine. English Expo results came out today, more than satisfactory. I'm really quite pleased luh I thought I wouldn't get above 24 >< So this is a motivation...not to fail oral? Haha.

---

I should just stop being an emo shit and go back to mugging right.
Or rather, I should just become a total mugger, stop socialising, stop spending unnecessary time...

Why the heck am I so "selfless"?
I should just become selfish, shouldn't I?
Do everything for myself, and not even think of how other people feel.
Because if you think too much, you end up complicating your own life.
I should just live my own life and not be such a nosey parker.
And I should not care about what people think about me, what people say about me, and most importantly, what people do to me.
I should just stop feeling.

I've been hurt too many times,
and the wounds are being reopened.
Since when did anyone care
when I cried,
when I bled.
Since when did anyone notice
where I went.
Since when did anyone care about what I did?

Feelings are poison to me.
If I was devoid of emotion,
I would live better,
I would breathe easier.
I wouldn't be here, choking back the uncried tears.

I wouldn't be here,
bleeding slowly but surely to death.

---

Oh, what'd you do to me?

2008-07-21T19:09:00.000+08:00

Flames to dust, lovers to friends.
Why do all good things come to an end?

---

If you want somebody to be with you, I suggest you put in some effort instead of all those empty words.

i'm walking away, for real this time. I've had enough of staring at the phone, waiting for a miracle to happen.
I've had enough of this vicious cycle.

I really should study. Now there is nothing more important than studying, since CO concert is over (and the last thing related to CO that I have to do for the time being is upload pictures to LJ which can er wait LOL.)
So you're not all that important.

I thought I would cry last night if you didn't turn up. And on saturday, I was wishing that you would appear out of nowhere when I was a sobbing wreck.
Though you're still with me, I've been alone, I'm alone.

This is why I swear not to believe in love.

There is no such thing as love.

When we say we "love" something, we just mean that there is a considerable amount of affection and longing for the object/person in question.
Nothing. else.

A month ago I would have said,
if you love me, let me go.

Now all I'm saying is,

Let me go.

Don't you know how scared of you I am?
I don't know how to face you.
And I guess, even if I saw you, I wouldn't even look you in the eye.

Because I think it's unfair that I was the one who got hurt in this game.

But it's over, isn't it?
I should stop thinking.

I'm wiping you off,
cutting you off.
Like some infected body part,
you have to be taken away for me to function properly again.
And I won't say sorry, because I don't have to.
What did you take me for?

I'm more than what you think I am.

---

You say sorry like an angel.

one in a million

2008-07-21T15:10:00.000+08:00

Someone once told me that the most valuable experience in her life was the process of making music.
Like I posted once on LJ, as music-makers, our job is not to ENJOY the effects of the music: because that's for the audience. Our job is to do our best to put our heart and soul into the music, to bring the notes to life.
I felt something come to life within me last night. It was as if something had been hibernating inside for so long, and that the music just awakened it. I can't say it's passion, because I don't believe in it. So I guess it's just a love for pipa and CO music in general.

Can't say ta ji ke is my favourite song but it was an okay beginning. I think I didn't warm up properly cos my 16fenyinfu was quite disgusting. But I can't believe I managed to finish the freaking song LOLLL.
Qinwang was ENJOYABLE. I'm serious. Except I got quite freaked at the pipa part when we started to ganpai. But oh well IT WAS GREAT, with the dizi duet and tanbo parts.
HUOBAJIEZHIYE! Although ouyang says pipa fan yin cannot be heard I THINK WE ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE AUDIENCE. I was trying, in all my nervousness, to imagine raymond lam dancing around the fire (shuai wad LOL) and sarah says the DVD is going to look super good cos me and dq were moving around during the kongpais like weird people LOL.
HLM was good. I was really too worried about molou but the ending of hongloumeng without the gong...oh well but it still sounded good.
MOLOU was really great (that's what the seniors said) but I still think my pipa lun sucked...and got play wrong notes luh but the most important thing is that it sounded OK. Nicolechan and Koh's solos just rocked pls. Lol. And wenyun jumping around the paigu is quite amusing...
Tianshan! 6lianyin was crazy, just blind playing, quite disappointing for me. But I expected it so hm.
JUHUTAI: La1 xian2 was quite screwed and buzhun but heck luh no one was paying attention anyway. -.- But overall pipa/tanbo was quite qi and YIXIN'S DIZI ENDING!! (:

(And I didn't think there'd be encore 2 but my second tajike was ok I guess...poor dengqing ): )

Truly a night to remember: batch 09's first and last time at VCH.
RGCO IS LOVE!

[P.S. I decided not to put pictures here (due to my ahemunglamnessahem) . Pictures will be on LJ for the viewing of selected people and for the tanwenyun to kope LOL. People who want photos please ask me online or in person.]

you are the music in me

2008-07-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

I shall start with thanks!

Thank you to ZLS for being the bestest and chioest tanbo teacher we could ever find.
Thank you to Dorcas and Dengqing for being great sectional leaders and tolerating our crap.
Thank you to Kathleen for being such a sweet girl haha.
Thank you to batchmates (tanbo) for support.
Thank you to juniors for just doing your best and making me just so proud of all of you.
Thank you to DDT for being the BEST friends in CO ever zzzz.
Thank you to Amelia, Xueling, Yuming, Koh, Voony, Nicole Chan, Fuxin, Kexin, Zhiqi, Izabel, Gillian, etc. for the moral support and being great performers. (sorry if I didn't mention you!)
and LAST BUT DEFINITELY NOT LEAST:

RGCO for ROCKING THE VCH ROOF DOWN! ((:

---

I think the tears didn't go to waste.

---

Elaborations and pictures: tomorrow!

unchained melody

2008-07-19T20:21:00.000+08:00

I'm rewriting the concert notes that I tore up.
Somehow found a reason to write them again, somewhere deep down inside.

--

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, everything will come to an end.
Tomorrow, I'll finally step onto that stage, for the first and the last time.
What's going to happen?

All the tears that I've shed over these few months...
It's enough to make me a korean actress la.
I've found that the human spirit is really ugly.
I've tried , and tried, and until now, I haven't ever played my best.

I can't focus. I couldn't focus today.
What about tomorrow?

And when I was standing outside KS chee with michellin,
I started crying as well.
Not that I didn't cry enough during dazu.
I just felt that wave of emotion coming over me
that same instability,
the fear and anxiety.

I just wanted to hug someone there and then.

It's too late to think.
Tomorrow, I promise I will be strong.
I will not shed another tear of sorrow.
There's nothing to cry about anymore.

Tomorrow, everything will be crystal clear.

---

I'm sorry for having been a bad senior.
Overly harsh, overly-temperamental.
But all I really want is for pipa to do well.
For tanbo to do well.

I'm sorry for being a lousy batchmate.
Too playful, too hard to please.
But all I want is to fulfill this dream.
Don't you?

I'm sorry for being a bad pipa player.
Bad yinse, can't handle fast stuff.
But I can't say I didn't try.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

But I love pipa,
and deep down inside,
I really want us to succeed.

Do your best tomorrow, everyone.

Show them we can.

---

I'm just running out of time.

self mutilation

2008-07-18T20:33:00.000+08:00

Today was really bad for me.

Got there in the morning with pain wracking my abdominal area but tried to put up a cheerful expression but it just melted away during dazu. DQ not there for first part of molou and I was sitting in the seat and TTK was staring daggers at me which really made the whole act crack up.

Fine. I suck. Have it your way. You can do what you like, and I'm really past caring.

I just can't get over what happened yesterday. It hurt even more today, when I realised that the music sounded good, so good, without me. But I have to smile, don't I. Be supportive. Be who I've always tried to be.

I'm so lousy, you people can just shoot me and it wouldn't make a difference.
I'm just considering not turning up on Sunday. What's the point right. You people are so pro, you can just go do it without me. It sounds better anyway.
And it's not like you like me being there.

Felt like throwing up during dazu today and the headache just came back. I'm not sure what the exact cause was: being sick physically or having my heart poisoned slowly but surely.
I hate this. Haven't you realised?
I feel this constriction in my throat, and the taste of bile in my mouth. Disgust. Anger. Hurt.

Stop telling me how imperfect I am. I know. Stop telling me I'm screwed up. You're equally screwed up. So, f*ck off, I'm serious, because I'm not in the state of mind to listen to all.your..crap.

Qianwen says I'm thinking too much.
How not to?

I want to curl up and die, right now.

---

I'm sick of hiding from people just so I can cry.
I'm sick of not being able to lose consciousness at night. Even my body is depriving me of that temporary reprieve.
I'm sick of feeling like a piece of shit every time I step into that place and stare into your eyes.
I'm sick of people telling me what to do,how to improve, how bad I am, how they could do it better. Since you can do it better, COME ON, KILL ME, then you can do it. (:
I'm sick of being harsh on people who don't deserve it, just so I can have an outlet for my frustration and anger.
I'm sick of all the pointless optimism, because it never helped, didn't it.
I'm sick of people asking me if I'm okay. I'm not okay. Shut up.
I'm sick of listening to the music, trying to feel something other than pain and anger.
I'm sick of trying and doing so much, when it never works out anyhow.

I'm sick, so sick.

---

I feel no anticipation
no excitement.

My head is going to burst any minute.

I don't know how I'm going to go on stage on Sunday and attempt to look like I'm emotionally stable.
Act again, I suppose. Lie to myself that I'm not going to screw up. Lie to everyone. Because I have to, otherwise people will tell me I'm such a fucked up freak. Unstable.
"Why do you look like you want to kill me at one moment, and want to kiss me another moment?"
Yeah so I am.
So I am.

---

It's too late to apologise.

in need of a reprieve

2008-07-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

I'm really going to pieces.

I know people read this blog and don't tag.
Don't tell me you don't. I know. I can see it in the way you talk. You know more about me than I know about you.

Let me go, won't you, you cursed memory.

I don't love you.
I'd do anything to get rid of you.

I don't even want to see you again.
Not any part of you.
After all that's happened,
to tell you the truth, I'm really afraid.

I'm scared of facing this darker side.
You.

You are the darkness in my soul.
All the hate,
anger,
fear.

You're what's eating me up,
my shadow is overpowering me.

---

Leave me alone.

---

WHAT I HAVE TO DO BY THE END OF THIS FREAKING WEEK:
1) English speech
2) Chinese mock PT
3) Chinese baozhangbaodao
4) History PT draft 1
5) Chinese PT draft 1
6) Lit PT draft 1
7) Geog PT research
8) Math REVISION (quad functions, RFT, log)

DIE.

And deadlines:
ENGLISH SPEECH IN WEEK 5
MOCK PT IN WEEK 5
HISTORY PT IN WEEK 6
CHINESE PT IN WEEK 7
LIT PT IN WEEK 7
GEOG PT IN WEEK 7
EOY WEEK COMING

GOD HELP ME.

---

September

Tonight there must be people who are getting what they want.
I let my oars fall into the water.
Good for them. Good for them, getting what they want.

The night is so still that I forget to breathe.
The dark air is getting colder. Birds are leaving.

Tonight there are people getting just what they need.

The air is so still that it seems to stop my heart.
I remember you in a black and white photograph taken this time of some year. You were leaning against
a half-shed tree, standing in the leaves the tree had lost.

When I finally exhale it takes forever to be over.

Tonight, there are people who are so happy,
that they have forgotten to worry about tomorrow.

Somewhere, people have entirely forgotten about tomorrow.
My hand trails in the water.
I should not have dropped those oars. Such a soft wind.

-Jennifer Michael Hecht

2008-07-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

Although I am still rather worried about er the thing, I shall go do my work.

To-do list (by today) :
1) Chinese PT
2) History PT draft 1
3) English speech outline
4) Prac pipa
5) Do piano theory
6) ++ Try to get the dizi thing for qianwen -__-"

Wah good luck to me.

---

我不断地告诉自己
读书吧
你这个笨蛋
不读书就完了。
别搞那么多东西
迟早会弄死你。

可能是我真的无法控制自己的情绪吧。
那些感情，
始终要找到能够寄托的地方。
而我
不停地寻找
不想再错过
但一次一次地碰钉子。
痛了。

也许这次的经历
让我了解到这个游戏的难度。
太单纯了
单纯到相信自己在别人的心
地位是第一。
原来，
根本就不放我在心上。

我真的很累。
玩够了。

有人曾经对我说过，
我们的心，只有一半。
而在这茫茫人海，
这半颗心会寻找他的另一半。
我望着他，问道：
"那半颗心，哪知道另外一半在那里？”
"到时就会知道啊。”

忘了问
如果那半颗心
永远找不到另一半
会怎么样？

如果我这生中
找不到一片真实的感情
到时我会不会
死心？

2008-07-12T18:32:00.000+08:00

Today was rather eventful.

CO in the morning, first collected the costume then went to prac. Dazu was an improvement for yesterday but I'm still not too optimistic about concert, seeing that we haven't even been able to play er a full molou smoothly. And I'm extremely nervous about the pipa 2-bar "solo" -.-
Then I received a rather alarming piece of news about ______, which still leaves me unsettled to this very moment.
Had lunch at shaw centre (MACS!) with tanbo people, then caught sight of philo teacher. Had fun talking to philo teacher until we realised we were being lightbulbs -AHEM-. Then many of them left and I ended up with koh yixin and nina. Went back to look for koh and nina after dental. At least it made me forget about the abovementioned alarming incident. Conclusion: CO people are always the most fun to be around.

Much work to do. This one-week holiday is not much of a holiday.

也许我真的不明白。
为什么.

我想
我玩够了
玩厌了。

没关系
这一切
对我来说已经不再重要。

2008-07-10T18:03:00.000+08:00

BTW I am SO IN LOVE with my new skin!

So clean and beautiful, lol.

Someone teach me how to write html. I need it for SS PT blog design.
Fine I'm nooby (((: LOL.

another day in paradise

2008-07-10T16:59:00.000+08:00

I am feeling just so utterly drained now that I feel like collapsing on the floor and dying but no! I shall persist and do the homework that The Mother told me to come home to do. -.-

Bio PT was fine, really. Despite the last minute chionging. But yeps thanks to eeiyn and sakina for being co-operative and eeiyn for doing all the saikang. And yelin for enlightening us to the existence of the art room printer ((((((:

I have finally managed to get myself back into the mugging mood. Now nothing really seems as important as saving my GPA but I believe I will still allow myself some slacking time here and there XD

Anyway I'M SO SURE that I am going to like, play xianyue banzou like some pro or attempt to sightread on that day yeah. T.T One more week and it's not like I'm some super good pipa player so I would highly appreciate more time and YES, the SCORES. T.T

Sigh I should just go mug right.

-.-

fatigue/

2008-07-08T18:51:00.000+08:00

These few days have been nothing short of stressful. Suddenly there just seems to be so much homework and I find that delusion comes in handy in the sense that you'll always feel that there's enough time. ><

I must really say that I'll be extremely glad when concert is over, because I want to get over anything to do with pipa until the exams start. I have a strange feeling I'm not even going to enjoy performing because ideas for history PT might just pop up in my head right smack in the middle of qinwang. T.T I think I just can't enjoy CO anymore right.
On a lighter and much happier note, a thousand congratulations to wenyun the little fireball, koh and amel for making it to CO chair interviews. All the best to the three of you. (:

Anyway I think I really did injure my wrist that day during dazu, cos it quite hurts now and I just feel so -______-" Of course by posting this very fortunate piece of information here I am not expecting any form of pity, especially from my darlings in tanboyue T.T

Math PT tomorrow. I really don't see any way I can avoid failing it, but here's a twinge of optimism: I'm going to try my best.

Alright. That's about it. BioPT, english geog stuffies and MATH to mug. >.<

---

Should I thank you for hurting me
and in the process, setting me free?

I guess so.

liberazione

2008-07-06T21:17:00.000+08:00

I start again, with a clean slate.

Just taking the past half of year to be a lost memory.
Forgetting the madness
of what I've done.